How does one write about the last 2 ½ months of 2021? Months of hell, on the one hand, and yet . . . months of fundamental transformation.
After I won the Verdi competition in mid-October, I came home and asked for revolution. Wow, did I get it. And it’s not like I’ve lived a staid life thus far. You don’t transform from sheltered, traumatized missionary kid to professional operatic soprano without upheaval and radical change. Revolution, evolution, you name it, I’ve lived it.
However, this was different. This was me, as a grown woman, CONSCIOULY declaring that anything—any pattern, any exhausted way of being, any codependency, any person, any relationship, any physical ill—ANTYHING—that kept me from thriving and focusing on what feels alive —be removed.
And the universe listened!!! In the last few months, I have lost much. I have watched as the tower of my life crashed to the ground. I have watched co-dependent attachments falter. I have watched survivalist modes of dealing with money stop working. I have watched myself be labeled as the perpetrator. I have watched relationships disappear. I have stopped codependent patterns. I have healed on a deeper level than ever before. It was as though most of the moves I would have previously made were now clear “no’s.” “No, you can’t go that way, no, you can’t be that way, and no, you can not make those moves.”
Meanwhile, I have been simultaneously lost and at the same time, singing like a goddess. My heart and soul have been seared, and I have felt more desperate financially than ever before, with no way at all to move in my career. After winning a competition, this was very hard to swallow. There is more that is too private to share.
And finally, when I thought everything was complete, I went into the hospital and spent a large portion of December on IV antibiotics, and ultimately, right before Christmas, surgery.
On a normal human level, yes, in these past few months, I’ve died and gone to hell. The acute physical pain, the hurt, the anger and resentment, the helplessness, and the sense of walls closing in on me were visceral.
Nonetheless, I asked for this. The courage I’ve displayed these past months to allow the old—what was no longer of use and could no longer be in my life if I wanted to up level—to STAND and allow the old to die, to literally be cut out of my body ….
This is good. This is beautiful, and I would much rather be burned in a temporary refining fire that prods me to greater joy, than a lifetime of hell, simply because I’m too scared to become the next version of myself.
Our popular term “let it go” is not for the faint of heart. It’s not easy to “let it go.” But it is worth it to become more of ourselves. It is worth it to free oneself from the tentacles of old stories and attachments.
I’m beginning to feel like my old self again, and even more, like my NEW self. More creative energy, more space, more faith. Stronger boundaries. Deeper listening. Less striving. Rest. Willingness to take space. Focus. Love.
And yes, I would like a nice lonnnnnngggggggggggg break to recover, thrive, and live into the next version of joy.
I look forward to this New Year! After clearing so much at the end of last year, this new space is unbelievably exciting! There is space to create a life structure that is sustainable and real.
How are you moving into this New Year? What are your experiences and desires for 2022?