Good morning! My name is Jillian Finnamore, in case you didn’t know :). Since I returned from Italy last summer, I’ve struggled with what to blog. There is so much inspiring as well as un-inspiring material in my life (I imagine in yours as well). What to focus on?
Also, I am essentially a private person. Despite the public persona, I generally share only when I feel safe. Like most people, I am complex and have many different views. And I’m enormously afraid of being judged.
In the spirit of growth, I’ve decided to blog about an issue in which I currently experience enormous feelings of failure combined with an instinctive desire to hide from the world. I’m going to do the opposite. I’m going to be open with all of you with the intention of healing this area of my life. Being quiet about it and attempting to handle it on my own clearly haven’t been successful. I will be accountable to you and share what’s really going on. In the spirit of honesty, it may take me some time to open up—for I have spent a lifetime clamming up, especially in areas in which I feel shame. I begin this journey to heal so that this area shines with love and light.
The area is weight. I am currently the largest I have ever been (not quite open enough to share the exact scale number :). Those friends I’ve met in the last few years have never seen me slim. I don’t remember myself as slim. Well, let’s say it feels very far away. I do remember feeling great in my clothes. I do remember feeling confident. But it feels far away and impossible to achieve.
I want to lose 35 lbs. I long to feel beautiful again, to feel great in my body. The last time I felt great was June 2012. I had just finished performing Mimì from La Bohème and wearing a dream dress to the afterparty. It was a great feeling.
Now, there are many things I’ve yet to share, so please bear with me as we journey together :). You may be wondering why I simply cannot love myself the way I am. And you are right. Why can’t I? Why don’t I? Why am I so insistent on feeling slender as the only way for me to enjoy the beauty I’ve received? Why do I feel so much shame when I clearly have much to be grateful for in this area? And you are correct. Part of this journey will be healing these wounds.
Presently, I have a huge desire to lose weight, to feel great again. And yet I find myself, in the privacy of my home—and I say this with great trepidation—binging. Binging on food that can’t even be called food, food that I’m shocked I put into my temple.
You see, I know better. I was raised to eat healthy and in moderation. I was a vegan at one point. I KNOW I feel great when I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables. I know HOW to lose weight for my body, and furthermore, I have tried a myriad of weight-loss paths (including ones you may not have heard of J). It isn’t a question of knowing what to do, it’s a question of motivation.
I welcome you on this journey and am thrilled we can share this. Thank you for joining the weight-loss travels for this performing artist, energy healer, vocal healer, and voice teacher. So many avenues to explore!! I welcome your stories. What are your successes and failures, physically and spiritually?
Love and light,